I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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