you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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