You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
