I think I died a long time ago.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
