Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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