Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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