He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
