oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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