I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
