Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
