Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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