Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
