I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
