what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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