if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
i think i just lost a toe
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
