so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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