If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
