Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
