The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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