I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
