I'm really into asian looking animals
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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