just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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