Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
