Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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