OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He shit in the fireplace
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
