watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
