u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
