come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
