Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
