My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
