I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
