It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
