we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
bring money and cleavage
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Couch. On fire.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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