God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
