alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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