so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
