No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
