My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
