Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
