Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
