Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
