I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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