At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
