we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
