you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
