nut hugger
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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