if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
