the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
