I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
