From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
