Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My ATM looks so different sober.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
