I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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