is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
